Versus All Kinds of Assault
Darshita Goyal has just finished her 12th grade and will start her B.A degree at Azim Premji University where she will be studying English, History and Philosophy. She is very passionate about social activism and philanthropy and uses her writing as a platform to voice her opinions.
Versus All Kinds of Assault
23rd May, 2014
~ “Can I walk back home please?” asked 19 year old Nina. “Only if your brother accompanies you, it’s dark and unsafe for a girl to wander alone.” Papa said.
I watched this conversation unfold, the thought of which made the prickly hair on the back of my neck rise. Before I could even come up with an excuse not to, I found myself walking my older sister home.
My father expected a great deal from me, a successful business man himself he saw me as his protégé. Little did he know that his ‘invincible’ son had been locked up, assaulted and tossed aside under his own roof. I swallowed back a little puke, reciting the ‘shlokas’ (that my mother often tells my sister to chant when she’s scared) in order to gain control over my trembling hands.
As we walked silently through the poorly lit streets, I couldn’t get rid of the picture of the woman who was once my nanny sitting over me, who visited the house each day with the excuse of babysitting for our upstairs’ neighbours kid, cheekily grinning, her hands touching me in places that now clenched in anguish and pain. It had been going on for over six months now, starting the night of my 16th birthday. There were times when I wanted to jump from the balcony of my house on the 3rd floor. I thought of telling my parents about it but I know they won’t understand, I’m sure they would say that this only happens to girls because that’s what I thought too. How long will I live this nightmare? ~
Today
~I was wondering if it was a good idea to rehash my memories by going through my old journals and honestly after reading that one page I feel so relieved and happy. Today two years later I feel like I’m a new person. I don’t wake up in the night terrified and feel much lighter than I did before. I was mistaken about how my parents would react to the situation, a couple of days after that entry was made I decided that I couldn’t suffocate myself in that manner any longer. The only way to stop it was to confide in them. I thought they would tell me to keep it to myself and be ashamed but they didn’t! My mother was my shield. She took me to the therapist every Saturday for 8 months after that until I had completely made peace with what had happened. My father reported the woman and soon she was punished for her atrocity because of the laws made to bring justice. Earlier it was very disheartening that the people my family and I considered friends turned their back on us as they could not comprehend how a boy could endure such abuse. They believed I was spreading the rumour for attention. However, I realised with support from my parents that this was the time for me to have faith in myself and fight for justice irrespective of what the people around me may think. In fact it was my counsellor and parents that encouraged me to publish my journals so I can instil this hope in the lives of several others.
Now I don’t run away from people the way I did before. In fact, I am trying to help boys who have been through the same violation as I have. In the many cases I have come across, sometimes the victim doesn’t get support from their family, however what I would strongly encourage is to remember that this fight has to be fought and slowly your family will understand, even if it is after months of coaxing. Through this process though, you’re not alone. If any of you out there have been victims of sexual violence or harassment, believe me when I say you’re not alone. You can fight this and you will emerge stronger, nobody will question your ‘masculinity’ so do not let that hold you back. It is believed that men don’t feel pain and men can’t suffer but slowly this misconception is being erased. Help scrub this thought away. Don’t feel ashamed to be vulnerable. No matter what people say about your manhood, stand strong and be yourself because in the end you’re you more than you are a man or a woman.
I have learnt that fighting your molester, taking a stand for yourself and trusting in your family and the system is the only way to get out of the recurring nightmare that my life was.
I know it feels like it’s never going to get better and that this is the end but believe me, I’ve been there too. There are so many organisations made where we can voice our opinions, hear from people who have endured the same and finally persevere in our fight against abuse. I have attached the link to a few of them below, make sure you visit them, I promise they help. In this moment I feel so untroubled, so liberated and carefree and you can feel this way again as well. We’re all in this together versus all kinds of assault. ~
Writing this piece was truly an emotional roller coaster, my heart goes out to all the victims of any kind of abuse. I’d strongly recommend that you go through these websites and seek solace in the company of so many people who are here to support you in your fight.
RAINN- https://rainn.org
The Survivors Trust- http://
1 in 6- https://1in6.org
Safecity- https://safecity.in